Thursday, July 5, 2012

What does it mean to be a mother who loves fashion?



Photo courtesy of J.Crew
I've been thinking a lot lately about what it means to be a mother who also holds a high regard for fashion and style.  I will admit to worrying at times that others look upon in disdain at we women who have children yet also still enjoy "making an effort."  Is it selfish to want to spend money on frivolious items like the coveted dress or a fabulous pair of heels when you have children to support?  Is it vapid to worry about the latest trends when you should be worrying about raising your children?  Some would argue yes, it is.  And while everyone is entitled to her own opinion, this reasoning really makes me sad. 

My boys are the greatest loves in my life.   There is nothing I would rather stare at than their precious faces, no sound I would rather hear than their sweet voices. Of course I put my children's needs above my own, but I can't deny a love, and a passion, for all things beautiful; clothing, products, home decor.  That passion has actually grown stronger in my 30's, as I continue to develop a deeper appreciation for high quality fabrics and design.  But yet the confidence I've gained as I've grown older can still waver when I notice a true or imagined glare from another mom.  I'm accustomed to being the most dressed-up mom wherever I am, playground, school drop off, soccer practice.  Some of that is due to the fact I work.  But most of it is that many moms simply would rather wear yoga pants and a hoodie than dress up. That's their choice, and that's fine with me. But sometimes I feel like the outcast for not making that choice, for wanting to look nice.  We always hear about "mommy wars" and I believe this is a true one.  Women are so competitive, we're always looking out for who's better than whom.  Who's the better mommy?  And does it make one a better mother to not focus at all on herself?  To give every aspect of her being to her children, and then wake up in 10 or 15 years and wonder, who am I now? 


This is such a fascinating topic to me, and while you know which side of the fence I am on, I truly do not believe their is a one-size-fits-all answer.  Like many aspects of motherhood, I believe it's whatever works for you.  Putting on a pretty dress, even if just to run errands or go to the park, works for me.  I get that it doesn't work for every mom.  But can we try to judge each other less, and perhaps act a little kinder?  We're all doing the hardest job in the world-raising children.  I'd love to hear your thoughts on this.  I actually had quite a challenge putting my thoughts and feelings into words for this post, and it's a surprisingly emotional topic!  I'd love to hear from you!  Thanks for visiting.

 

14 comments:

  1. Great post! I agree that I wonder about this and I think there's a fine balance for me...as long as my kids are first, than that's the most important thing. And you are right, women always find ways to pass judgement.

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    1. Absolutely! Clearly I can't go wild at J.Crew when the boys' tuition is due...but when it's bonus time for me, mama's going shopping! :) And yes...women can be so mean to each other! Why?

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  2. I'm really glad to see this topic come up! I think about it often :) Especially being a single mother who loves to dress well - I knooow what you're talking about! Especially again, when I work in an office where casual dress rules, and I'm quite often the overdressed one. But what am I to do; run up to the haters and explain that I jump on sales, which is why I have so many Anthro pieces?

    It does make me feel unhappy from time to time, when I get the 'look' you talk about. But I know, and those close to me know, how much I am dedicated to being the best mom I can be for my little guy. And how I shop for him as well - he is not deprived! :) I just sometimes have to remind myself that I shouldn't care about the opinions of those who like to criticize for sport.

    I love my son more than anything and anyone in the world, and I let him know all the time. I have a boyfriend who understands my shopping habit, supportive even :) I just remember that, and I feel better!

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    1. My hat is OFF to you as a single mom, I can appreciate how difficult that job must be! You deserve it more than anyone I think! And I'm totally with you on shopping the sale racks, nothing makes me feel more victorious than finding something awesome on second markdown at Anthro!

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  3. Jeannie,

    For the first 10 years of my childrens' lives, I put them first above all else. And I mean first. I got nothing new, they got everything new. I let myself go. About 10 years ago I realized that what I was modelling for them was how to be a total doormat. I mixed up being a great mom with being who never, to quote the old adage "put the oxygen mask on first". Now I take care of myself and that helps me be an even better, happier, more patient mom. I can tell you that those people who give you look because you dress fashionably despite having a little one, will still be giving you the look later on. They feel insecure, and like the me of 10 years ago, are mixing up what is really meaningful! You always look awesome and I encourage you and all of those other wonderful young mothers, like Gigi, to keep on rocking it! Your kids will be glad you did. Just the other day my 17 year old son said "I'm glad you don't dress like X's mom. YOu look like you care."

    Great post!

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    1. I am so happy that your kids appreciate your style now, if my boys, when they are teenagers, are proud of their mom, that will make me so happy and proud myself! I swear it is true, when a mom takes care of herself, she IS happier and more patient with her kids! At least I know I am!

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  4. My big sis is a mom who appreciates fashion and I don't think there's any correlation between wanting to look nice and being a good mom. We're all more than "just a (fill in the blank)" so there shouldn't be a problem to love fashion and be a good parent. My sister works full time too, but she devotes all her free time to her boy!

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  5. I find it so sad when I see/ meet/ work with women who have essentially erased themselves - their style, their likes, their very dreams - after having children. I always want to send them on What Not To Wear, where every other candidate seems to fit that profile - the mom who sublimated herself for years, until she realized that she was embarrassing her kids.
    Men don't seem to give up on themselves after becoming dads...

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  6. Thanks for such a great post! I'm a mother, a wife, and a career woman. I also enjoy all things beautiful. My daughter is now in college, but when she was a school-age child I was that dressed up mother during school events, summer camps and even swim meets! I also got the "look" you are talking about.

    Interesting enough, one of those mothers and I became really good friends. One day I told her how I felt around other moms and asked her why they treated me so differently. She told me that they feel intimidated by mothers like me (meaning like us Jeannie!), who "can do it all", work outside of the house, be involved in school and still look put together all the time. It's similar to what someone commented above, they feel insecure, combined with perceptions. Please keep rocking and sharing your sense of style!

    On a side note, I also got interested in this topic and read an interesting book titled "Woman's Inhumanity to Woman". I enjoyed it, but it's been years since I read it.

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  7. I have to wonder, being from the same town as you, if this isn't more prevalent in the area in which we live than in others. This town is a big soccer/sports town and a lot of moms, unlike you and I, are stay-at home. This is also a very casual town in most neighborhoods. I take my lunch break on some days to pick my daughter up from preschool and sometimes I feel like there are certain moms who give me that look you're talking about. (It's not like that with everyone - I have made a few mommy friends in the line to pick up our kids). I wonder if they don't get that I come straight from work. I also like to dress up more than others at work. I have a pretty boring job, and pretty clothes gives me something to look forward to. The drive to look nice is just a part of who I am. It's almost like a creative urge. And it's something I promised myself after having my daughter, that I wouldn't lose who I am, or wouldn't indulge my creative urges. I think investing a little time/money in yourself as a mom is a good thing. I want my daughter to see me as someone to look up to who follows her interests and passion and that it's OK to be creative and find your own interests. And I include her in those interests. She's not very interested in clothes (yet), but she is fascinated when I'm sewing quilts and wants to help, or I'm baking just for the fun of it. I relish in sharing those things with her. I don't want her to just see an empty mommy shell with no passion to give her I want to inspire her to be herself! Doing and being who you are for your children and sharing that with them is just so important. We have a great dynamic going. I definitely take the time for her to share with me what's important to her, which right now is LaLaloopsies, Disney computer games and catching lightning bugs, and I get to share with her what I love.

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    1. P.S. I was in no way intending to talk bad about soccer/sports people. I was just trying to reinforce my point that this is a casual, track-suit, yoga-pants-wearing place. :)

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  8. Such a great topic, always. And such good points by other readers, i.e. not being a doormat, erasing oneself, ppl who criticize for sport. I've realized that I probably don't want to be friends with people who are going to try to bring me down because they feel that way about themselves. In the 10 months I've been a mom, I've ran this question thru my mind so many times. I finally decided I'm too tired from caring for myself, husband and baby to give the energy to what people think. Sure, it still crosses my mind for a fleeting moment when I think I'm getting a look. I just choose to let the thought continue to pass and I don't hold it in my mind or try to see myself thru the other person's eyes. Who knows what they are thinking. I feel good when I feel I look good. It has a huge impact on my day. It's important to appear confident, esp in work, so no more apologies from me. I'm one less person going around in public in my pjs and I figure that is good community service. lol

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  9. While I am not a mom yet (just a new reader who stumbled across your blog today), I really hope that when (or if) I do have children, I will be able to maintain my love of fashion. I am surprised to hear that some other mothers can be judgemental when it comes to dressing fashionable.
    When I see a well put-together mother out with her children, I think "wow, she must have a great family/work/personal life/etc... balance". Putting effort into dressing is definitely something I see as a positive - not a negative.

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  10. This is a great topic and one that I have thought about for years. I get "the look" and "the question": why are YOU so dressed up? I have 3 children and I am a stay-at-home mom. I have a small admin job that I do at home, everyone knows this so I've had some disdain and judgement over my love of clothes and outfits. Usually from women who have a real competitive streak.
    I don't really care how some stranger might judge but it is very hurtful when it comes from your circle of friends. I find over the last couple of years some of my friendships have shifted and I have made some new women friends... through my blog! We have so much in common besides love of clothes and dressing up, it's been very positive for me. I truly feel blessed to be in my 40's and have new and significant friends in my life.
    We need to avoid those judgemental people. It may not be "about us", their criticism, but it can be very damaging.
    Cheers to all of us who put an effort into looking and feeling great for ourselves and our families every day!!

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